Selfish ..

u told me tat im selfish .. n u say he also said tat ..

...







SELFISH ?







am i selfish ..? ...

yeah .. i think so .. im very selfish ..









im getting more n more selfish this year ..

oh no , what had i've become ..? u lost everybody now ..

No .. ;(

but , thanks 4 being my friend then being my enemy ..

preciate that ;)



stress , blurred my eyes within .

hatred , makes me hate myself eben more .

frens , lost em cuz d wrong decision that i made .

But still , i wanted 2 be strong .

no more tears that i should drop on ,

no more argueing with d best guy i once had .

no more regrets for what i done .



ANNA , stop being so pathetic now ..

u dont need anyone's shoulder anymore .

SUICIDE

Well .. This is my first time saying things like this and think abit bout it , but ...
I feel like going 2 suicide myself ..

im so tired of all this drama going on , people have 2 be so dramatic ,
problems that i didnt want 2 face n INVINCIBLE STRESS that i had .
Pity me .

hahah .. i dont think no one understand how i feel now , even if i tell them they dont feel like wanted to know ?
then better DONT ..

I had experience of cutting my hand this year that looks like getting scratched by a cat .
Maybe i needed that .. Doing that really can let myself feel better ?
I Think so .. but im not sure .

I know its silly to think like this but everytime i thought of the problems and all i feel ..
SCARED .... LONELY .... LOST .... POWERLESS .... USELESS and MEANINGLESS .

Felt like nobody's at my side anymore ..
i've got who ? NOBODY





who am i anyway ?
doesnt matter anymore ....

single-again ..

finally , i've 'lost' him .. isit ?

i think 'lost' is not the word , is let go ..

so pity cuz he act without thinking . kinda pisses me though .

i dun like guy who told me , we're done n d next day he wanted me back .

i was like .. wad the heck ?

it's ok if u think we're done but u're d 1st who told me tat .

tat makes me pissed .

but still ,

finally ...

SiNgLe AgAiN . =)

patah semangat-ing

i cant stand it .. ape yg da blaku niih ? silap sape skrng ? tau due2 pn trslp ..?
i da x tahan nk rimas2 , nangis2 camni . tp i pn xnk lpazkn dye sbb i btul2 sygkn dye ..
td mase bace blog dye nk ckp epy pn ade epy sket .. nk ckp sdih tuh bnyk gakk ahh ..
epy sbb dye syg , risau psl i ..
sdih sbb i da sakitkn ati dye ..
bile nmpk dye 2lis kakqyla jerr i tringt mase dulu .. i pn akak kau jugak an ? tp skrng da x same ..
rase pelik jerr bile nmpk dye 2lis kakqila cuz rase qyla cam da gnti tmpat i ..
nk ckp jeles pn x ahh , cuz i pn ade adik 'bru' ..
adik-bradik xde soal gnti x gnti so xde la perasaan yg over .

i admit tat mayb i dnt think bout u like u think bout me .
im not sad like u now but i am emo more den u .
i feel like wanted 2 push everyth away jz 4 a temporary time so i can relax ..

kalo da prcaya nape nk was2 ?
kalo da syg nape nk ragu lg ?
kalo da sedih nape nk memaksa ?
jgn la paksa diri tuk snyum sdngkn dlm ati da start nangis ..
jgnla nk tahan kalo air mata da mengalir kuar ..

i da xtau nk camne la syg .. dah .. bun2 ..
jgn sbb kerinduan tuk each other hncurkan segalanye ..

LM.C "Oh, my Juliet"

ComPlicAted~

So many things happened lately and i cant even remember it much..

cuz thr reli too many things..! aarh~~ ><

im not so emo or so stress but i'l get different stress from different time so i cant reli confirm whether im in stress or not xp

i cant concentrate on my studies cuz tiz honeymoon year makes me reli feel like im in honeymoon-ing .. hahaha TxT

i'll try nt to fail d same 4 subject again.. but if can i dwn fail anyth ..

so many things 2 think .. uk oso a problem .. f tat daniel lah ..

da la gmuk ,x gune lak 2 ..

tat day , i got so stress till im nearly sick ..

gud thing my bro helped me out ;) thx mii x)

my mum knw im sick but she doesnt know y..

i think d reason is im over moody cuz juz a little help from my bro im ok again ..

that's y ..

i dont wanna anyone challenge me by making me draw bloody paintings on my hand ..

stop pushing me .. im very easily moody ..

im so sorry anna(tats me) to say all thiz rude words . T.T

im pissed . freaked out . fuck all of u who's been so mean to me .

who pushed me every lil problem . u guys r such assholes!!

wad kind of relationship we're havinf i dont even knw !

cuz u guys make me dont know anymore .. slut !

and tat mother fucking bitch reli pissed me off ! wad d hell ?!

who r u anyway ? u think u can shoot anyone else din care whr n when ?

ur wrong man . if i hate tat sumbody i'll juz show it infront of d face .

im being nice juz 4 my own reputation n ur juz being a hipokrit .

i hate u . nvr liked u b4 . go 2 hell bitch .

PS: plz dnt ask me im scolding who. i wont tell.

我最近.. there's nothing can ever help for cheering me up,
很emo.. except cutting my hand with a sharp thing..
很lost.. but i wont do it..cuz i cant.. promised tat somebody,
很moody.. tat i wont hurt myself again..
很frustrated..

心里总觉得..
很complicated.. BuT Why aM i SOo BroKen Noww?
很misery..
很stress..
很tired..
Doo I aLWayS HavE 2 Be soo EMO AlL The tIme?


不知怎么，最近我一直被烦恼围绕着...
我怕了..
我怕慧雯以那种期待的眼神望着我...

我不明白，
为什么身边的朋友总是不能了解，
我个人必须承受的压力..?

我总是替别人这想，
那为什么别人总不能体谅我？
总是太依赖我？

我担心，
当有人太依赖我，
不只会伤害到我自己，
也伤害到别人...

是么...?

是别人太依赖我， 是别人给我压力，

还是我太依赖我自己？ 还是是我自己在逃避？


或许，我最近很安静..那是因为我真的无话可说..
但我的笑容，是诚恳的..
是真实的..


我表面上的面具，早已消失了..
被心里面忍受的压力压碎了..

就因为如此，
我连勉强笑出来的笑容都挤不出来了...

不爽：



其实我最近心情还很不错的，因为多了一个玩伴。但现在又不爽了，因为！！

我每次打电话要通知同form什么事的时候，一定有人没接电话！！！especially 当我在desperate的时候！mangkuk tul！ 秀晶也是一个，什么wakil哇，自己也是不接电话的！每次打电话的人是我就算了，但拜托你自己也别不接电话好不好？ 然后那几条水啊，明知我有打给他们为什么不会打回给我问我什么事啊~~~一定要我打给你们多一次咩~geram aaaaaah!!!

我突然觉得中二叛逆期是最爽的时刻..根本不需要任何的烦恼..烦的只有没做的功课，扣分，ponteng的时候会不会被老师抓，就只有这些了..现在，我每天边过着日常生活边承受着一些无理的压力..唉..sometimes being a bad student does have its own good....

我前天陪ami看足球后，我有少少gila bola了..嘿嘿..为了看england 打 usa, 我特地等到凌晨两点..结过快打完了的时候我不小心睡着了..==..气死我了!! 那个england goal keeper接球不对害到usa score 一分了!! 如果没进那个一分england早就赢了!!! 啊啊啊啊啊啊!!! 气死我了!!!

i sleep at 6.++ that day..i sms ami the whole night instead of sms my bro. TxT(no..!!!)
haiz.. in the end england and usa draw by the score 1-1, wat the F ?! beh song...hehe..
i sms ami the whole sunday and hell he is so freaking funny.. haha..he's beeing such an asshole xp

i think i sot jorr..

4/6/10


今天是个很多笑容的一天...
我每一天都看到人笑啦...
那 为什么我这么说呢？？
很难讲咯...我有自己的原因的^


第1:
今天补习，铭欣的男朋友送她生日礼物。
那礼物是个布蛋糕，是要自己缝的..那男的亲自缝那个布蛋糕，还真sweet^

第2：
嘿嘿~我 ， 姐 ， thurga ， ain ， adli ，adil ， ami 一起去吃炮兵~
哈哈~~吃了四种不同的^ 有一个不是很好吃，绿茶味的,有一个还好...
有一个coffee味的~虽然味道是淡了点， 但我喜欢~咖啡能预防乳癌咯..
还有一个，酸酸甜甜的^
虽然thurga吃完了就跑，ain要我帮她出钱先，而且又是我先付完，
不过在一起的感觉真爽^

第3:
嘻嘻..我弟和他哥走之前，送了我们（me and tin）一个bear bear~^
我家现在有两个bear bear了，两个放在一起的话很可爱^ 很sweet~哈哈~
adli送我姐一个狗狗抱枕~我姐又有两个抱枕了^ 哈哈~


开弟们真会给惊喜^

‘做么你不要找你的love eh? ’

.................................................................................

thurga今天问我这个无聊没事做的问题...
男朋友嘛...我懒得去理了..
我不想再理这些感情问题了..

怎么说呢..

不是因为怕受伤，是我不想再承担受伤的感觉..
今年的问题真的很多，同form，duty，佩静和莫，学业..
我很累了..

那天拜六，我对同form说了满过分的话..
虽然慧萍和thurga觉得不过分，但我觉得我讲的话很伤人心..
结果第二天，我的同form其中一个sms我，写：


‘昨天你讲的话我听了非常
不爽!你说你总是只有你一个
人在做事，你以为我们
不想做啊?!说有跑过来跟
我们讲话和参我们，我觉得no
咯!你讲我们害你没有做错
也跟我们一起被senior骂，
你以为只有你没有做错也
被senior骂吗?我们也跟你
一样都有经历过这种情况
咯!说我们不睬你，没有话
题要怎样答你？算了吧，我
们还是合不来的了!知道
你看了会很生气，你要生气
我也没有办法，就这样!’

。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。

讲真的..我被她深深地hurt到了..
她让我突然想起中一的感觉..很伤..真的很伤..
‘我们还是合不来的了!’
这句，让我想到欣艳也曾对我说过这句话..

她给我一种多年已没碰过的伤口又裂了..
好痛...

自从她send这封信息之后，我没有那个mood要去duty了..
但幸好，有gracious来安慰我..
她让我觉悟到，这么多年以来我都没发现过的事实..
我原做好打算，做小人，做好自己本分就好了..
但现在，我还是想和同form一起拼..

我之前还觉得我很对不起我自己，因为这几年来，
我的努力都是废的，我之前不应该去努力的..
但现在，虽然有一点点这样的想法，不过我还是觉得很开心，
因为我自己的努力，以显示到我有为团体而付出..

这样，我不会有任何的遗憾...

我的心，算是已经关闭了...
只留给团体，同form，朋友及学业。

当有男朋友的时候是很幸福，一旦吵起架来我不想负责任。
所以，我不想去理了..
若有的话，我也不会对那男的几亲罢了咯..

没时间理他啊..

感觉上..
我失去了我自己..
我遗忘了我之前拥有的爱心，善良，单纯..
因为我最近一直都在恨人..
尤其是我爸和堂姐..
就连姐姐我也越来越讨厌.. （不过最近还好啦）
我到底怎么了？
为什么心中充满了厌恶？
我不知道......

那天，被sangeetha骂，我真的很不爽，气..
因为只有我妈，我姐或我老豆而已可以用那种语气骂我，
不管是谁，只要有人用我家人的语气来骂我我一定顶回..
不管是建柯，佩静或者慧萍，我一定会不爽。
为了thurga，我不吵。
我忍。 她是第一个敢酱骂我的人也是第一个不被我骂回的人。

而且我也不和小孩子吵架。
不过若有下次的话，她也不会好到哪里去......

我变了..我真的变了..
不知道为什么，我变到越来越狠了..
天哪..我到底发生什么事了？
我不要这样...
谁来帮我... ？？

吉他，是我为了ben才产生兴趣的。

怎么说呢...

他之前一直讲手指脱皮、麻痹、痛，都只因为一个原因，

吉他

到了现在，虽然我不知他还像不像之前那么忙，

但我知道他的手指一定还是像之前那么的痛。

二月二十七号的星期六是我上课的第一天，
我有种很期待及兴奋的感觉~

因为我之前已经等很久要玩，要学吉他了。

上了第一课，虽然没什么教到，但我会有耐心地学。

其实我很希望能快快学会吉他，

但我不能强逼时间，而且家里没老师教。

所以只好用等的咯。

我会想学快点可能是因为想陪他一起手指痛吧..

当天刚好是我们男女学警团的pesta angpao~

我在当天收了一个弟弟~ADIL~

他简直是超可爱的~啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊~

我黏了他一整天~哇咔咔~

我们玩到high又不high的..哈哈~

但真的很累哦，第二天手脚都痛了><

那天晚上，我老豆不知什么事突然说要请我整家人吃steamboat~

妈咪去学校载了姐姐后我们一起去吃~

这次去我不像平时酱，通常去吃steamboat我一定会吃到很饱很饱的，

但这次去我吃到不会很饱哦？

而且我通常都会找我的miami哥哥，这次去好像没什么feeling..~.~

不过还是个很好玩的一天~

做工
..........


昨天，是我第一次正式的开始有个做工的经验。
我试过帮妈妈做一天的生意，也就是在family day卖瓜条。
但帮妈妈做工唯一的不同是我没事做..哈哈..

刚开始我没什么事做，也不大懂要做什么~
但在莫姐的教导下，我就慢慢会了找事做。

简单讲在整个过程中，不会几难啦..
因为要等顾客来嘛，没顾客来不是站在那边谈天，
喊卖什么、多少钱..有人来就等她选好了再包噜~

不知为什么，我上了妈妈的车之后我很开心，
虽然是在做工，但我觉得自己好象在做义工。
哈哈~也很开心我有了做工经验~虽然是一点点。

有个男的他好好人哦~买五个书包~
给他妈妈，女朋友，女朋友的妹妹及别人~
好体贴><





不爽
...........
男人讲的话果然不能被信..

原本说好了，要谈某样东西..我也想让你有个惊喜..
因为我很需要你的辅导..

你自己也懂，当你超期待的事突然被‘毁灭’了之后是什么感觉的..
那为什么，你要这样对我？看到你之前，我原本是充满期望及期待的，
因为我想知道你会说什么，我想知道你会有什么反应..

结果？

.....................

‘你知道我不吃回头草的。’

‘never wait for a guy that dont treat you good’

本以为可以在这次重新做朋友，原谅自己的过去..
但事情总是这样.. 是我自己对他的期望太高了..当事情发生的时候，
他就会找借口，而我就是受到他那令人失望的反应..

说实话，我不想再给他一个机会了。
我很气很气他。既然他都不在乎，那我还在乎什么？

rosa讲的对，he's not a gentlemen.
From the last few years till now,you're still a coward.

你知道吗？我不想听你道歉了。
我也不想理你了。为什么？

因为你昨晚让我觉得真的很不爽。

烦

可恶..
我不知为什么我最近真的很烦..
就连小事都烦..可恶！！！！他妈的！！！！

或许是因为听了她，的话吧..
我超气的！！！！！她娘的她以为她是谁哦？！
什么之前怕孤单，孤独..现在不怕了就不理我们，向我们作反吗？！
干你娘那你之前就把我们当什么了？！
duty,你不敢抓就要我们帮你抓，一句不要就算了嘛？！
你是谁？！我们不是你的狗！

每次都要我帮你cover每一件事，每次都要那么的不负责任，每次都要把容易的事让给自己做，
每次都自以为事，每次都那么的自私，每次都要我忍你，帮你讲话！！！
你，却假装什么事都没有！！！
若不是我帮你说服别人，我帮你cover每件事，我看你现在都不懂活到几好去...
我讲那么几句就不爽，那你讲那么多句不见得我不爽？！
你都不知道，我被你受的委屈有几多次了！！
你让我委屈整三年多了！！你知不知道我做人也很辛苦的！？

你到底有没有为别人想过的？
你说得对，我就是太体谅朋友，才不跟你吵。因为我不要你再伤心。
但你这么做也很过分！！
为什么每次劝告你的时候你都不肯听？
为什么？！！！！！







可恶...烦死了！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！

生病的痛

24/1/10

我记得，我去年试过有一次肚子有风...

那是莫莫刚好来我家..

当时的痛，真的很痛..因为是我第一次体验肚子有风的痛...

我很记得医生说若发烧的话就是生盲肠，所以我在诊疗所哭了...

前年，我试过gastrik...我在电脑面前，边痛边忍。

但我妈说只要喝奶就行了，果然喝了之后就没事~

今年，我体验了肚子有风+gastrik..!

我认为可能是因为我刚睡醒来不及吃饭就去打高欧服球，之后又喝一百号，肚子空又有气...

我冲凉冲到一半的时候突然痛的..我快快出来然后跟我妈眯讲..

超痛的..TXT...我很清楚我当时在想什么..我想着：‘我宁愿死都好过挨这个痛。’

我哭不出来，因为真的很痛！！ 痛到语言都形容不到的痛！！痛到我连哭的时间都没有了..

不过吃药过后就没事了..真的很恐怖...

27/1/10

今天，我发烧..

本以为是生盲肠，但我知道为什么了。

星期二，我在巴士上睡觉的时候，有个小孩不小心动到我肩膀，把我吓醒了。

若我的朋友真的了解我的话，他们会懂，我睡觉的时候是不能被吓醒的。

若被吓醒不是冒冷汗就是发烧。

我是在当天早上，觉得自己好象会不舒服，但还是去了学校。

在不懂第几节开始我的身体的体温就开始上升。

我知道，我开始发烧了。

在班上，好多人关心我哦？ 郑建柯也好体贴哦~哈哈~谢了~

回到家，我冲了第一次发烧冲的凉之后快快吃完午餐拿冷衣及熊宝宝准备去睡觉。

睡觉之前，我好难过...我难过我发烧了..

我当时在我妈的房间里。 那房间里面，除了我，没有别人了。

我感到好寂寞..我不喜欢发烧，是因为我会觉得很孤单，每次要睡觉的时候，都会想到身边的朋友..

我在想，若我身边有个朋友陪着我那该有多好。至少我不是一个人，我不要一个人..

穿着建柯送的冷衣，抱猪猪萍、thurga、凯欣及慧雯送给我的熊宝宝，我在想..

朋友，你们在哪里？

M I FOGeTTen?

"if he reli misses me den gud lorh..bt i knw he wont..cuz he always said:旧的不去新的不来...i've just become of a memory tat nt even worth it 4 him.."



i've send this msg to matthew yesterday nite...

the reason i send this msg is because at monday ,at the period time of skul recess,
i was patrolling at the skul area finding students to catch..
i caugth mao at the 2nd time i saw him..
den matthew said: ben tel me he miss u.
i was thinking:if he reli misses me den shuang lorh...
i knw its not real cuz maybe he's not that type of guy..? just maybe..

i said im nt gud enuf 4 him but he say he dont care.
i said im a mix and ppl would say many kinds of gossif of it and he say he wont mind..
that was before,but now?
even his x-girlfriend making gossip of us with disbelievely..

it hurts you know?

on monday,after my class pj it was his class. i was finding my teacher and he walk by me.
it hurts me at the time you walk by me and we cant even smile or talk.

recess,i have to go 3 floor to made the students to go down and 3rd floor was at the same row of his class.
his class is the 1st class i have to get in.
He's inside his class with his friend,justin and others that i dont reconise. i didnt went in because i didn have the spirit to talk to him..i was scared..but at the same time i wish i could talk to him.
i wanted to become his friend again..
But at last, i let the boys to made dem go down stairs..

everytime i listen to jay sean's song-all of nothing,i reli want to change the lyrics.
got one part it write:
' i replay it over and over again,
you were my girl but now we aint even friends,
you could be my all or nothing, all or nothing,
but now to me your nothing now your nothing..'


i want to change : "you always be my all or something,all or something
but now to me your still something boy your something.."



I know time are hard for the both of us now, but i reli wanted u to know i've been lock in the confusion dungion of time now..
i keep imaginating your still here with me even though it's not even close to reality..
But by imaginating things like this, i can at least have some comfort for myself..
cause there's no 1 here to help me but me..

i always hoped you read my blog and find me again but i knw, u wouldnt even wanted to think or see me.
im just like a disaster memory to u..
not even sweet or worth it..i thougth i knw everything about him,but i guess im wrong..

i admit, i still miss u. And sometimes it'll make me cry thinking bout you.
but i still want to knw...






HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN ME?

NeW $kuLl LifE iN @ NeW YEaR

Every student life sure has a opening skul life at every year till the year they finish skul..
me as usual keep finding ways to get rid of my homeworks duhh..
but tiz year everthing changed so suddenly, i feel like fall in love with the horrible homeworks and scary teachers.
haha..its kinda weird though.
i never liked homework before,i think homeworks are boring and wasting my precios time by doing them.
but i simply changed my mind don't know why.

Well,at my skul i got a different kind of job to do.
i hav to be a ‘calon peronda‘ at the beggining of skul and in the middle of the year i'll become the real peronda.
the first time i start my 'job' i think its fun cuz i think its kinda freshing. HAHA
but at the second week i think its kinda boring.
cuz the students dont reli hav anyth for me to catch edy.
some of them wont stop pissing me, and the others juz becum a gud student in an other way.
i have to run 10 rounds becuz i couldnt catch 5 ppl in the morning.

in class,im a gud student(i think i am).
but my clazz arent anything like i expect to. so noisy and there's plenty of son of the bitch.
they think they're the king but they juz not.
there aren't many handsome boys in my claz lolx.
for average there's 3: jun yean, charlie and jason.
for handsome juz 1:elias(y him?)
i think only 1+ girls in my claz includes me.
haiz..






i stil hoping he can look back at me.
we're not even friends now..how i wish to talk to him..
n his stupid x-girlfriend saying bad things about me but exaclty she's the bitch not me.
GOD DAMN IT..
我都没抓过她..无缘无故讲我坏话干嘛？

开学噜~

各位~开学咯~

不知为什么，今年我特别的期待..

因为我pmr成绩考到很不好，所以我打算要特别加油！！

去年我有变乖+勤劳了，所以只需要再出多点力就行了！！！

加油！ 这是我今年的标题！

“加油！！！”

非考到好成绩不可~！！=^=！

嘻嘻，好期待哦！